Scary...

I think it safe to assume, of the eight people gathered on Sunday at Sunday's, I was the only one thinking that the entertainer's song choice was a harbinger of my demise.

The Elder Boy, Ethan, has started expressing his fears. These fears are of the two year old variety, monsters, dark hallways, etc. Generally imagined (he's not scared of falling when he's perilously hanging off the back of our sofa for instance.) When he is scared, he will say, 'scary', or 'scary monsters'. If he wants to get to his room to grab a truck, but the hall is dark, he'll come to me, and say "Scary Daddy" as he grabs my hand to assist him. Or, before bed, he'll look at the closet and say "Monsters Daddy, scary."

When he voices his fears, I go into Daddy mode. Throw my shoulders back, puff out my chest, and assure him that everything is cool. No worries. He's safe. Everything well be alright. OK. Good. Mommy and Daddy are here. There's nothing to be afraid of - The usual lines a parent tells a small child that is afraid of things that go bump in the night. Often, which is par for my course, I reheat a movie or song line, in this case the one from Mr. Lennon (the former Beatle, not the Communist) works quite well:

Close your eyes. Have no fear. The monster's gone. He's on the run and your daddy's here. While reassuring him I always tell him everything is going to be alright.

"What a hypocrite!" That's what I thought to myself as I sat at a table at Sunday's having Sunday Brunch. I was in Richmond, VA for a wedding. It was the last day of our trip and I was watching my watch because we needed to head to the airport for our flight which was in two hours. The setting couldn't have been more lovely. Picture perfect. Nothing finer than sitting on a stunning patio on the shore of a lake, eating brunch with the family, drinking a Yuengling Beer(My Okie tongue can't get around that name to pronounce it correctly, thus I had dubbed it Yingding, much to the chagrin of Allison our waitress) and listening to a man with his guitar sing songs. I was enjoying myself, the setting, listening to the conversation of the table until the singer started in on a song that sounded familiar to me. I slowly drifted away from listening to the conversation, and turned my attention to the singer when it hit me, like a scary monster jumping out of a dark hallway. The cat was playing This Old Guitar. Less than two hours before I'm to board a plane for Dallas, and this guy is playing a John Denver song.

This might not sound scary to you, but for me, and my goofy world view it was like Nostradamus was on stage picking a song for me. As simple as 2+2=4. I'm going to fly in 2 hours and one of the last songs I'm going to hear at this restaurant is a John Denver song...a guy who died in a plane crash! Why that song at that time? That's to weird, 'unless'....Let me back up a bit. Back story. I'm afraid to fly. I've always been a hesitant air traveler. Post 9/11, I hate to fly. My fear doesn't ground me, but it does make for a rough (in my head at least) few hours. Pretty much until we are safely on the ground at the destination. I read a piece on Ronald Reagan by Nancy in Time recently, and she said that although the former President was an optimist, he always said a silent prayer when he was taking off in a plane. I do the same thing after we land. I fly, but I do it with clenched teeth, and a sense of dread in the pit of my stomach. Probably the way Ethan feels when he is faced with walking down a dark hallway, or envisions a monster in his closet.

So, as I'm faced with the fears of a two year old, It is forcing me to take a hard look at my fears, both rational and irrational. I tell Ethan there are no monsters in the world. Which is true, in the storybook sense. There are however, men who will crash planes full of people into buildings to rain destruction. That sounds pretty monster-like to me.

It is a big, mean world, where bad things can (and often do) happen. So, when my sweet faced, little brown eyed Elder Boy looks at me and says he's scared - I square my shoulders, puff out my chest, and tell him everything is going to be alright, just like I do when I have to fly.

In the end, what I'm trying to get the Boy(s) to realize is that there isn't anything wrong with being afraid. Everyone is - even me - As long as you don't let said fears stop you from doing what you want to do in this life. One of my favorite things on the subject comes from Dune.

I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when my fear is gone I will turn and face fears path, and only I will remain.

Amen.

Until I BLOG again...Be strong.