"Escalators aren't scary."

I talk fast. Mumble at times. My diction sucks. That was the only explanation why the Elder Boy, with the straightest of face, was telling me that "escalators aren't scary."

Trying hard to keep a straight face myself, I told ET, "alien invaders...not escalators."

He shook his head, batted his freakishly long eyelashes (he gets those from me by the way,) and said, as if talking to a whack job, "Dad, alien escavaders aren't scary." As if I needed some reassurance, he added, "It's OK Dad." Placated by a three year old. Welcome to my world.

You see Dear Reader, Ethan and I were embroiled in a late night (by his night night standards, it was only 8:20pm) power struggle for the Team Tinsley TV. He wanted to watch Scooby Doo and the Alien Invaders. I did not. Thankfully this was a struggle between Dad and Lad. Not Lads. If the Little Warrior had been involved (he was already night night) I would have truly been up shit creek without the proverbial paddle. He is a true warrior. Being just me and E, I thought I could possible dissuade him to watch something else. Reason with the Boy. I decided to hit him with a true and lengthy tangent on his original point.

"Daddy (I'm not sure why I speak of myself in the third person when I address the Boy(s) but I always do) lived with a guy from Cali, Colombia named Juan Carlos Munoz who was scared of escalators. He lived with Daddy and Granny and Pops in Oklahoma when Daddy was in high school. Daddy was a Sandite. Juan was terrified of escalators. I'm not sure why, but they freaked him out. Juan was in AFS. That's why he lived with Daddy..."

The Boy wasn't buying any of it.

"DAD. Aliens aren't scary. They're funny." To show how funny Ethan erupted into a crazy and loud laugh. I feared he would wake the Little Warrior from his golden slumbers. That would not be good. On further thought perhaps that was Ethan's intention. Shrewd move. Ethan Son was proving a lot wilier than I had anticipated. I decided to change my tack.

"Son, Daddy isn't sure you should watch a spooky movie so close to night night time. I don't want you to have nightmares."

Oh. Bad Daddy. BAD! I'm going to lose my Father of the Year status for that one. You see, Dear Reader, as far as I know, the Elder Boy has yet to have a bad dream based on something that he watched on TV. Thus, my argument was total bullshit, sadly selfish, and all because I did not want to watch Scooby Doo and the Alien Invaders again. In my defense, I'd already watched this title, 20 plus times in less than three weeks. You try watching Scooby Doo 20 plus times in less than three weeks. It isn't pretty.

"Dad. Scooby Doo isn't spooky. It's funny." Thankfully with no laugh, but with a definite whine in his voice that could be a harbinger of a meltdown. "I want to watch Scooy Doo." Brief pause as he remembers he should be polite. "Please."

At this point, I'm coming to the realization that I'm going to cave. I placate myself with the thought that it is for the greater good. That pick your battles thing. I simply didn't have the stamina to fight for something as silly as watching Scooby Doo. Plus, I knew there would be a good chance for Ethan to pitch a shit fit if he didn't get to watch Scooby. That would be no es bueno. He would wake up the Little Warrior. The Little Warrior would not be happy. He'd be screaming. Ethan would be screaming. I'd be pulling my hair out, trying to simultaneously calm them both down enough to go to night night while my Lovely Bride was off at Booze (code name for Book ) Club deconstructing Valley of the Dolls or some such.

Still, I figured one more attempt. Perhaps a filibuster was in order. I could simply run the clock to E's night night time.

"Juan came to America from Colombia. That's in South America. Which way is South?" Brilliant move on my part, a question might just do the trick...Wrong. The Boy simply pointed South, which is impressive considering he's three, but even more impressive, he cut me off again and said. "Dad, I want to watch Scooby Doo and the Alien Escavaders, PLEASE!!!!"

I gave up. Threw in the towel. Punched the buttons on the DVR that got him to Scooby Doo and the Alien Invaders and promptly spaced out, wondering how in the hell I lost control of my TV. I'd been reduced to a remote control jockey for two young Boy(s). The irony. You see, that was my biggest pet peeve pre-breeder. I was amazed that people let their kids control what they watched on TV. I cringed at the thought of non-stop cartoons. Kid friendly movies. I told myself, that won't be me. Looking back, I was simply clueless. Full of crap. If the Stu of then, could see the Stu of now, hunkered down on his throne of impotence (my recliner), he'd laugh. Hard.

"Rewind please. DAD?!? Please rewind."

Considering we were less than a minute into the movie I deduced that Ethan wanted me to fast forward (in Ethanese rewind and fast forward are interchangeable) to the "How Groovy" song sequence. This segment is the Boy(s) favorite part of Scooby Doo and the Alien Invaders (from here on out known as: SDATAI.) They love it. Shaggy and Scooby have love interests in this outing which has everyones favorite meddlesome kids in the American Southwest. Shaggy and Scooby (stoned no doubt if you buy into the counter culture conspiracy theory) crash into a large cactus. Thus, they are stuck in some small town awaiting repair on the Mystery Van. Soon, the Gang hear of all this strange stuff happening in the surrounding area, which is supposedly caused by aliens. Meanwhile, the Gang meet some Government employees who are monitoring for extraterrestrial (sort of like in the movie Contact, if you dig that reference) intelligence in deep space. Fast forward a bit, and Scooby and Shaggy get abducted by the aliens. Hilarity ensues during a chase sequence on the alien ship. They eventually get caught and it appears they are going to be probed! At that part, they black out and the next thing you know they are in the desert waking up, pants around their ankles. Kidding. Scooby doesn't wear pants. Kidding x2. Actually they are approached by a girl and her dog. Crystal and Amber. Shaggy and Scooby are smitten. A match made in heaven, since the girl is a hippy chick in bell bottoms, and well, the girl has a bitch (literally) for Scooby. I've seen a lot of Scooby in my day, and well this has to be the first time Scooby has had a love interest. After a lovely day in the desert with the girls, Shaggy and Scooby meet up with the gang at the local diner. Instead of devouring everything in their sight, Shag and Scoob tell the Gang that they aren't hungry!!! So in love. So much so that Shaggy has this psychedelic daydream that turns into him singing "How Groovy." This is what Ethan wanted to watch, so I rewind to the start of it.

"Thanks Dad."

There is a very strange segue into the "How Groovy" song sequence. Very trippy. Shaggy is sort of daydreaming as the Flo like waitress sashays off from their booth. As Shaggy is watching her hips go from side to side, Flo morphs into Crystal sashaying off into the desert, but she quickly morphs into a tie dyed silhouette which is the intro to what is basically a whimsical music video of Shaggy singing "How Groovy," a song that is all about his love for Crystal.

Man, oh man. How is that I always let the Boy(s) hijack the TV? I literally have to get up at the crick of the crack (as in early) to watch what I want to watch. Just sad. You'd think I'd at least be able to watch what I wanted around the Little Warrior who is still pretty young. Wrong. The Little Warrior is a fearsome adversary. Uable to fully verbalize what he wants to view, and with a temper that is scary, he wants to watch what he wants to watch, now. If he's not quite sure what he wants to watch, by golly, you'd better know or there will be hell to pay.

His go to move is to run up to the TV, grab a DVD case, hold it up, turn and look at me in the recliner and start babbling. I mean babbling babbling. He can babble for over a minute. If he has the infernal Plug (read: pacificer) in his mouth, he'll pull it out so he can babble more clearly. He then will start shaking the DVD case to stress whatever point he is trying to make. Then he turns around and thrusts the DVD case at the TV (never once stopping the babbling,) then he turns and thrusts the case at me. Repeat as many times as needed to get me off my behind to put on the DVD of his choice. As soon as I get up and he realizes he's going to get his way, he goes into a victory ritual that is worth the price of caving. He gets a big goofy smile on his face, and starts making this funny Ah Ah Ah Ah Ah Ah Ah sound. Sounds like what I would think a jungle monkey would sound like. Sometimes, if he's really torqued, he does a victory dance as he does the Ah Ah Ah Ah Ah Ah Ah. We're really in trouble when he some how commandeers the remote. He does the same thing he does with the DVD case, only pushing buttons. He often ends up cranking the volume so high I fear the TV speakers will explode. Worse yet, is when he grabs a DVD that he actually doesn't really enjoy that much - remember he can't read - does his victory, you're putting it on dance, only to realize that its not Shrek 2 or Teletubbies (two of his favorites.) This infuriates him. He'll charge the TV and smack it. Or hurl the DVD case at the TV or ground. If he has the remote, well, he throws it, the back busts open on the tile floor (which we recently had redone - wonder why?) Batteries go flying (actually, I finally got wise and taped the cover down so this won't happen again.) Trust me, its easier to watch Shrek 2 for the 100th time.

Ethan is a bit more diplomatic in his quest to gain control. His go to move is to ask, "Daddy, is this an adult movie." This always makes me smile. In my sicko head, Adult movie is synonymous with porn. I certainly wouldn't be Father of the Year material if I was watching an adult movie in front of my 3 year old thus I simply reply, "Yes, Son. This is an adult movie." My smile soon fades though. Ethan quickly informs me that, "I want to watch something else." I usually ignore him. Hoping he'll lose interest, move on, do something else. Go read a book perhaps. Color. Play. Sometimes this works. Most of the time, he'll just keep after me, "Watch something else. Watch something else, please, Watch something else. Watch something else, please." On and on and on. If he's high on sugar or tired, he might fade into the whine and soon loses it. The older he gets the less he does this, mainly he just keeps on and on and on, until I give in, and let him watch something else.

"Scooby is funny Daddy."

Still in the "How Groovy" dream sequence, and for some odd reason, Scooby is on a pogo stick hopping around a whale? Don't ask me? Scooby isn't the Scooby of my youth. I remember when the monsters, we're just bad guys dressed up as monsters. Trying to steal a treasure or some such. Now, they are really monster monsters. In SDATAI it turns out the Government employees are the bad guys. They discovered gold in some old mine. They dress up as the aliens and abduct people to scare them away from the truth. However, in what is a pretty good twist for a Scooby Doo flick, there are REAL aliens. Crystal and Amber. Yes, Shaggy's hippy chick and her bitch, Amber are in fact, intergalactic cops. They are the good guys. Help the Gang defeat the faux alien bad guys, one of which is voiced by Mark Hamil.

About this time, getting very close to night night time for ET, he decides to come over and sit with me in our recliner. Sitting next to him as he watches Shaggy and Scooby save the day, I'm reminded of why I did lose control of the TV. Why I've been reduced to a remote control jockey. For these little moments. Side by side with one of the Boy(s), doing what they want to do. It is priceless, and watching a Scooby marathon is a small price to pay to be able to sit so closely with them. I'd watch damn near anything for the privilege. Well, except for Hi-5.

Until I BLOG again...Ah Ah Ah Ah!!!