I turned the cold water up a bit and pointed at E who was shucking his clothes next to the toilet and said, "Please pee, and make sure you hit the water."
"NO," screamed Wy Wy, as he barreled into the bathroom and yanked his pants and underwear off, "DO ME FIRST!!!"
"Nice," I thought, "if only their Mom felt the same way."
"HELP!" Wy screamed. He was hobbling around the bathroom, sans pants, blind, with his shirt stuck on his head.
"Wait!" I said, "You're going to fall down, here, let me, pull it off,"
"Thanks Daddy." He said, as he started to climb into the bath.
"Wait!" I said, "Your socks are still on and you need to pee first."
Ethan rushed past Wy and jumped into what I guess is the pole position of the tub, upfront, near the facet.
"DO ME FIRST!!!" Wy screamed as I pulled off his socks and he ran over to the toilet.
"NO, DO ME FIRST!!!" Ethan screamed.
"Guys," I said, "I'll do you at the same time. Wy please pee and hit the water." He didn't. No wonder our bathroom smells like a truck stop.
A few minutes later, both Boy(s) were in the tub, playing, which allowed me a few moments to sit on the sink vanity and space about our busy day. It had been a whirlwind. E had his last soccer game of the season, followed by a picnic party trophy thing at a local park. Both Boy(s) were worn slick from all the activity. They were also jacked up from all the excitement. That's never a good combination.
"Daddy," Ethan said, bringing me back to the moment in order for me to turn off the water, and begin the bath.
"Ok guys," I said, "Ethan you stand up first and let me wash your upper body. Ok. Sit down. Wy Wy, stand up and let me wash your upper body. Ok. Sit down."
So on and so forth as I washed them at the same time.
When I was finished, I gave them the usual option of getting out, or staying in the tub and playing for a few minutes. They opted to play, which put me back on the vanity spacing out as they did their thing. I was also tired from the day and looking forward to the hour we would gain because of the daylight-saving thing. I was making a mental list of all the clocks I needed to set back, when Ethan screamed, "NO YOU DIDN'T."
"Excuse me." I said. A deer in the headlights if ever there was.
"I DID!" Screamed Wyatt.
Things had went 0 to 60 in less than a minute in the bathtub, and I was desperately trying to catch up to figure out what in the hell was going on, "Wait a minute guys," I pleaded, "slow down, what's the trouble?"
"You did not." Ethan hissed in his meanest voice at Wyatt.
"I DID!!! I DID!!!" Wy raged, slapping the water in front of E for emphasis.
"Guys slow down! What's the problem." I asked again, but at that point, they weren't listening to me. It was as if I wasn't even in the room.
"You did not," E hissed again, "you're a baby.
Sweet Mother of all that is good. That was the last thing E should have said to the Little Warrior after a long day. He freaked. Hard.
"I'M NOT A BABY!!!! I DID!!! I DID!!!" He screamed, and then he really did. Wyatt punched Ethan square in the mouth. Hard.
"Fuck me." I hope I thought, but I think I said as time stood still for a second.
Then all hell broke loose in the bath. It was a veritable hurricane. Ethan retaliated by shoving Wyatt, but then, realized his mouth was bleeding, which made him stop, and start crying. Wy, living up the Little Warrior billing, saw his chance and hit Ethan again in the chest, and then grabbed a chunk of hair and pulled hard enough to make E's face go into the bath water.
"Guys, Guys, Guys, Guys!!!!!!" I pleaded. "STOP!"
And they did.
Wy looked crazy. Rage. It might have been the maddest I've seen him. Ethan was in shock because of the blood, and also because he knew that Wy had hit him in the mouth where he had two loose baby teeth.
"My tooth..." Ethan cried. "My tooth."
"It's Ethan's fault!" Wy said. "I did."
"You did what?" I asked.
"My tooth...my tooth...my tooth..."
"I did sign the card." Wy continued.
"Excuse me?" I asked. "This is over if you signed a card."
"I did sign it." Wy said.
"My tooth...my tooth...my tooth..."
"No shit. I saw you sign it." I said. Then I realized what Ethan meant (as I've said before, I suck in real time.) "Oh shit, your teeth!" I thought, or might have said.
Who knows. It was chaos, which is when My Lovely Bride entered stage left and asked, "What's going on in here?"
That Dear Reader, is how the Little Warrior helped Ethan lose his first baby tooth. Since then, and probably because of the same punch, Ethan lost another baby tooth adjacent to the first one.
His two bottom middle teeth are gone, each one having been encased in a zip lock bag placed under his pillow (in case the Tooth Fairy is germ phobic.) He's netted $4 buckaroos ($2 per tooth.)
It wasn't exactly a Hallmark moment, then again, this is Team Tinsley, what else would you expect?
Until I BLOG again...A rub-a-dub, just relaxin' in the tub.
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