The First Time

"Is Wyatt's song my song?" Ethan asked on Sunday night as he brushed his teeth.

"No." I said. "His song is you're nobody 'till somebody loves you by Dean Martin. Your song is I Rise, I Fall by Ricky Nelson."

"Oh." He said, spitting toothpaste into the bathroom sink.

"Did you hear me sing his song last night?" I asked. "When Mommy read to you."

"Yeah." He said, looking in the mirror and trying to smooth his hair from sticking up in back. He has a wicked cowlick. I have the same one.

"I can sing your song tonight." I said. "If you want?"

"Yeah." He answered, smiling, "But let's read Little Critter first."

The Elder Boy has always been Daddy's Boy. Even back in the day when he was only the Boy.

After the Little Warrior arrived on our scene, Ethan became even more of a Daddy's Boy. Not that it was, or ever has been a popularity contest between me and My Lovely Bride. Necessity was more like it.

Having two (Boy(s)) when one is two and the other is an infant is not easy. The baby naturally needs Mommy more than Daddy, especially if Mommy is breast feeding. That is why, early on, we drew our lines in the night night sand, with me almost always reading to Ethan, and My Lovely Bride almost always reading to Wyatt.

That routine changed recently, when Wy complained, "You never read to me, Dad. You always read to Ethan."

"I can read to you," I replied. "If you want. Daddy would love to read to you Wy Wy."

Which is true. Reading to Wyatt is a completely different animal than reading to E. Not better (or worse.) Just different. The same way they are different as people.

Now we do an alternating night night scene. I read to Wy one night, while My Lovely Bride reads to Ethan. Then we switch the next night. Wy's night night time doesn't last as long as Ethan's, which is why Ethan heard me singing to Wyatt on Saturday night.

I haven't sang to Ethan in a long time. Not that we made a conscious decision to stop. As he's gotten older he prefers for me to read longer instead of sing to him. I can't say I blame him. My singing voice sucks.

When we finished the Little Critter book, Ethan rolled over and made his standard night night request, "Will you sleep with me for a little bit?" Sleeping with him for a little bit means that I stay in bed with him for a few extra minutes as he drifts off to sleep.

"I thought you wanted me to sing to you tonight?" I asked.

"Oh yeah." he said. "I do."

"Ok," I said, and started to sing his song, "I rise, I fall with each little thing you do. You hurt, I hurt --- I'm that much a part of you. And when you're happy, baby, I'm happy, too, since I'm that much...a part of you."

Ruby the dog popped her head up from the end of the bed giving me a strange look. It has been so long since I've sang to Ethan that Ruby has never seen me do it before.

Ethan, who normally turns from me when going to sleep, turned into me, burying his face deep into my chest as I sang, "I rise, I fall with each little breath you take. You cry, I cry ---- 'cause I feel the same heartache. And when you're smiling, baby, I'm smiling too, Since I'm that much...a part of you. Your lips are my lips, My heart is your heart. Never let us be...further than a breath apart...I rise, I fall with each little thing you do. You hurt, I hurt --- I'm that much a part of you. Everything you feel, Ethan, I feel it too, Since I'm that much a part of you. A part of you."

When I finished, I heard what I thought was soft crying so I asked, "Are you crying?"

"Yes."

"Why," I said.

"I don't know." he sobbed.

I held him for a long time, staring at Ruby the dog, who stared back, letting Ethan cry. Every few minutes I said, "It's ok to cry Bub," and stroked his hair, "sometimes it's the best thing you can do, to let it all out. It's ok."

When he was done I asked, "Are you sad because of the song?"

"I don't know." he said.

"Did it make you remember something sad?" I asked.

"I don't know."

I do know though, Dear Reader, and what you don't know is this: We had seen Pops and his special lady friend that day. It was the first time she met My Lovely Bride and in-laws (the Boy(s) and I had met her on our recent trip to Oklahoma.) That Sunday, after everyone had met, we went to Joe's Crab Shack for lunch.

After we were done eating, Pops came out to the playground where I was watching the Boy(s). Earlier Wy had sucker punched a kid over a bull dozer toy which led to a tense moment with the kid's Dad. Pops sat next to me on the fence as we watched the Boy(s) play.

"Is tonight going to be the first time you and your special lady friend shack?" I asked.

"What?" he said.

"Shack. Stay in the same room and bed at the hotel. All night. Wake up next to each other in the morning." I said.

"Yes." he answered.

When we left Joe's Crab Shack I told the the Boy(s), "Say bye to Pops he's not going back to our house to stay. He's going to go to the hotel with his special lady friend. Give him a high five, it will be their first time to shack."

My comment made everyone uncomfortable, I guess because they thought I meant sex when I said shack. I didn't though, although I'm sure sex would be had.

"Boy(s) give Pops a high five." I repeated.

Wy Wy did. Ethan did not.

That had happened three hours ago.

"Ethan, are you sad because you saw Pops today?" I asked.

"I don't know." he said.

"It's ok if you are son. It was weird today. For everyone. It's ok to be sad about it being different. It's ok for you to see Pops and miss Granny, seeing him reminds you of Granny and how much you miss her. How different it is now. Pops isn't really all that different than he was when Granny was alive, the situation has changed though, and that makes it hard."

"Ok." he said.

"You can even like Pops' special lady friend and be happy for Pops and her ---- and still love your Granny and be sad and even mad that she died." I said.

I slept with Ethan for a long little bit that night. Eventually he grew tired, and started to turn from me in his usual way to fall asleep when he said, "I miss Granny."

"I know you do son, Daddy does too." I said.

Lying in Ethan's bed as he drifted off to sleep I had a vivid memory of the eight year old version of me looking at a photo album. I remembered how upset I felt looking at the photos. Feeling a strong sense of loss, but not understanding why I felt like I wanted to cry as I looked at those pictures.

I think Ethan felt the same sense of loss tonight, when I sang to him.

Eventually, I must have drifted off to sleep, because I found myself in an unfamiliar kitchen making a grilled cheese sandwich. Ethan was behind me, but he was also me, or that younger version of me, in that dream way someone can be two things at once.

As Dream Me pressed the spatula down on the sandwich, Ethan/Young Me asked, "Is Ruby going to die?"

"Yes," Dream Me said, flipping the grilled cheese sandwich. "Ruby will die. Hopefully not for a long time. But she will one day. Everything does."

"I don't want her to die." Ethan/Young me said.

"I know." Dream Me said. "But she will. You can't stop that from happening."

"I don't want her to die." Ethan/Young Me said again.

"I know," Dream Me said again, "But she will die. Everything does."

"I don't want her to die." Ethan/Young Me said.

"I know," Dream Me said, "but she will die, and what you do or don't want, will not stop it from happening. You need to stop worrying about what will happen, it makes you miss what is happening."

"I DON'T WANT HER TO DIE." I said, because Ethan/Young Me was me.

Then I woke up.

Until I BLOG again...And I threw away the key .