I'm not running anymore - Part 1

While My Lovely Bride was in Georgia for her Uncle Jimmy's funeral, I played Mr. Mom for four whole days. As regular readers of this here BLOG know, me solo with the Boy(s) equals hilarity in some shape or form. I'm not sure what it is, but seriously, they need to strap a video camera to my head and make a freaking sitcom. Hollywood. I'm ready.

Here's a scene. Me and Boy(s) driving back from helping Uncle Beau Beau fix a leak in his radiator. As we approached a stop sign near our house, we all noted, simultaneously, that a small dog was about to get hit by a car.

"Daddy!!!" the Boy(s) screamed in unison.

"I see!" I said as I slammed My Lovely Bride's minivan into park, leaving it on, and jumped out the door, running, with my arms waving madly in the air, toward the oncoming car.

The driver must have thought I was nuts, but nonetheless the ploy worked, and he slowed down enough to miss the dog who turned and ran toward me on the sidewalk.

"Daddy. Daddy. Daddy." the Boy(s) yelled from inside the van.

"What?" I replied.

"That dog is wearing a bandana." Ethan said.

"No shit." I thought, annoyed as always when anyone, including my firstborn, states the obvious.

I looked at the dog, who as Ethan pointed out, was wearing a stupid fall print bandana, and noted that it had two tags on it's collar. When I reached for them, the dog bolted back into the street where our van, sat idling, with the front driver's side door open.

"Daddy. Daddy. Daddy." the Boy(s) yelled from inside the van. "He's going to get hit by a car!"

Realizing that they were probably right, I chased the bandana wearing dog, who ran away from me. After our third lap around the van I realized that me and the dumbass dog with the fall print bandana were doing what amounted to a Chinese fire drill.

"Fuck me!" I thought, "Someone cue the Benny Hill theme song."

After the sixth lap, I gave up, stopping in front of the van's front passenger door. The bandana wearing dog stopped too, noted that the front driver's door was open and promptly hopped up into our van.

The crowd, and by crowd I mean Boy(s) went wild.

A couple of seconds later, the bandana wearing dog hopped over the console thingy and perched itself in the front passenger seat where it sat, staring at me through the window.

"Fuck me." I said, walking around the van.

I guess if my life were really a sitcom, the bandana wearing dog would have closed the door when it jumped in and locked me out of my idling van.

As soon as I climbed into the driver's seat and closed the door, the Boy(s) hit me, hard. "Daddy. Daddy!! Daddy!!!" they screamed.

"Yes." I said.

"He wants to go home with us." Ethan said.

"He can sleep in my room." Wy said.

"Is he a boy or a girl?" Ethan asked.

"He can sleep in my room" Wy said.

"Is he lost?" Ethan asked.

"He can sleep in my room." Wy said.

"What kind of dog is he?" Ethan asked.

"He can sleep in my room." Wy said.

"Wait. Wait. Wait. WAIT! W A I T!!!" I shouted. "SLOW DOWN! This dog belongs to someone."

"He can sleep in my room." Wy said.

"Look at the nice haircut. The goofy-ass bandana." I explained, "This dog belongs to someone. We need to find it's owner. I'm sure they are looking for it. It was running around like it was confused. Like it was lost."

The bandana wearing dog was oblivious. It sat there looking from me to the Boy(s) and back again. It didn't even flinch when I grabbed it's collar to get a better look at the two tags. It just licked my hand.

"He likes you Daddy." Ethan said.

"He can sleep in my room." Wy said.

"Who does he belong too?" Ethan asked.

"He can sleep in my room." Wy said.

"I don't know bub, these are just rabies tags," I said.

"He can sleep in my room." Wy said.

"What do we do?" Ethan asked.

"He can sleep in my room." Wy said.

"I'm not sure," I said. "I guess we take it home for now. We can't leave it out here. It will get hit by a car or something." I said.

"Yeah!" the Boy(s) screamed.

"Daddy," Wy asked.

"Yes Wy Wy." I answered, putting the van into drive.

"He can sleep in my room."

Next: Can you lose a lost dog?

Until I BLOG again...But I'm on my way.