Fear Factor

This is going to be one of those, "holy shit Stu, we didn't want to know that about you," kind of BLOGS. One that I've struggled with for some time. I contemplated simply shitcanning the entry entirely, but I keep coming back to my original mission with the Team Tinsley BLOG. Which is this: A remember when record for the Boy(s) in the Buck Rogers future. So they will have an idea of their crazy Daddy as he was circa 2005, a time, short of serious pyschotherapy, I don't think they will be able to remember. I think of my own childhood, and my first memories of my parents...and sadly, most are from when I'm quite a bit older than the current age of the Boy(s). Part of me would like to hop in a time machine and dust my ass back to when, to see what Jerr and Joyce were like when they were what is now, my age. Fingers crossed this here BLOG will be such a portal for the Boy(s). A lofty goal for one guy's goofy ass ramblings...but, hey, you are here, let's move forward by looking in the rearview...

December 2004 to be exact. Our story beings with the 2004 Team Tinsley holiday card. Well, that's not entirely true, as those on our card list know, we actually sent out a Kwanza card. For those that read or stumble on the BLOG and don't know Team Tinsley personally - we're caucasian. White folk.

I'm sure many, upon receiving our holiday effort, scratched their head, wondering, was it a mistake? Others, knowing my goofy sense of humor might have smiled, maybe even laughed. Most probably shook their heads and wondered how I could do such a thing. For all of you - I offer this:

I think it's funny.

But, to be honest, there is a bit more to it than me being funny. Someone once said, "Men show their character in nothing more clearly than by what they find laughable." Guilty as charged, you see, I have a problem with Christmas. That's not true. My problem is with religion, which since we're talking Christmas, is obviously Christianity. Christians - don't freak out and split - I'm not some card carrying atheist who thinks that we should strike "God" from the Pledge of Allegiance. Nothing like that. I'm not even what I'd call agnostic. I believe in a higher power. My problem is that I'm phobic about organized religion, Christianity, and since I'm not what I would consider a full-on practicing Christian, I feel awkward sending out a Christmas card. More simply put: Sticking feathers up your butt doesn't make you a chicken, I realize that sending a Christmas card doesn't make me a Christian. The conflict comes from my understanding that it is Christmas, and sending a Merry Christmas card when I haven't set foot in a church in all of 2004 makes me feel sort of dirty.

Not so much so that I would cancel the Holiday. I like Christmas. Be it secular or sacred Christmas reveals itself to each of us in a personal way - kind of like Santa's bag - inside there's a gift for everyone. But, still, each year, and even more so now that we've become breeders, I struggle with the holidays as it is a reminder that I need to figure out what religion means in my own life. What it will mean in the Boy(s) life. Only one problem - religion scares the (bad pun warning) hell out of me.

Like John Cougar, I was taught to fear Jesus in a small town, so I guess I can blame my Oklahoma upbringing for most of my religion phobias. My family wasn't that religious, which might have created some of my confusion. I wasn't around it in a regular formal way thus it was strange to me, and it being Oklahoma, it was everywhere. Growing up in Sand Springs, I was raised among some Bible beating folks. No snake handling - but I've seen and heard my share of hellfire and brimstone rhetoric, seen people speaking in tongues, and well, as a young and impressionable kid, it scared me. Being a Boy named Stu, it also pissed me off - the fear mongering aspect of it. Now, I freely admit that I'm bad at math, but what they were preaching just didn't add up for me personally. Burning records in a church parking lot because of satanic back masking. Excuse me? You can't wear make up or dance? Huh? Jesus had blonde hair, blue eyes, and wore a crew cut! Come again?

You probably think I'm trying to be funny with that last statement, but, in all honesty I went to grade school with a kid named Tony Patterson (that is his real name by the way, I'd love to know what happened to him!) who actually believed that Jesus wore a crew cut, had blonde hair, blue eyes. Literally. Never mind that, by all accounts, Jesus was a Jew, who came from the middle east, where people have dark eyes, hair and skin. Don't misunderstand, Tony wasn't a racist. The dark part didn't bother him as much as the long hair. In fact, Tony would get fighting mad if you told him that Jesus had long hair. Gordon Tipton would often tell Tony this and then compare Jesus (damn! Gordon Tipton was ahead of his time!) to a long haired hippy. Tony would go apeshit, turn bright red, and try to fight Gordon. So much for the whole turn the other cheek, brotherly love thing in the New Testament. Another joke. Yes, but again, even at a young age, I got the fact that what Tony was saying and then doing didn't add up, and it bothered and confused me.

As I got older, I became less scared by the hellfire, second coming, revelations type rhetoric, and became more aware of the hypocrisy that was rampant in my small town. The people that preached the loudest, seemed to be the ones that were out doing what they had been preaching against. Being a big believer in walking the talk, this turned me off even more, and sadly, pushed me away.

As I've matured, I realize that these are but a few, and for the most part, people are geniune in their beliefs and faith. I know that I shouldn't let a few bad apples ruin me on the whole thing. I understand that, but again, phobia, the very nature is that it is not rationale, or even logical. Thus, even though I thought of it often, I didn't do much about my aversion to organized religion. To be honest, I just tried to not think about it that much. I read a lot. But, didn't take any action. I was complacent.

Then we became breeders, and well, everything changes. I started thinking about it more and more, and from a completely different point of view, as a Dad. Then, with my Elder Boy, watching what must be the most base of all TV shows, the one and only Fear Factor, I had an epiphany.

Sitting in our easy chair, watching (Ethan LOVES Fear Factor) six buff / foxy contestants do three stunts, one of which is always a gross out event where they have to eat pig uterus, bugs, or buffalo nuts, I realized that I'd rather eat a cockroach than go to church. I'd rather walk a tight rope. In my little spaced out head game Joe Rogan would have me doing the walk of shame because I wouldn't go to church. Pardon me for this Dear Reader, but in this instance only one word can accurately describe what I felt - which is this - I was FUCKED up real hard.

Fear was most definitely a factor for me. It had been alright before I was a breeder, when it was just about me, but now, well It was gutless and bad. Wrong. There are two Boy(s) who look to me to be their example. I can't let fear stand in the way of what is right for them. Please don't misinterpret my use of right. As you've read, I'm not what I would call a religious person. It isn't tied to some dogma. I don't fully buy into all of that, although as I've have been painfully illustrating, I haven't given it a fair chance. I'm a very moral guy which is kind of strange considering how little religion has played a part in my life up to now. If you care what I think on the subject, my idea of what a good life is, click here, but again this isn't really about church as much as it is about my concern, or realization that I'm letting a fear, something that is uncomfortable to me personally, stand in the way of what is good, what is right for the Boy(s). I don't believe that they need to become Christians to be good. Hell, they can be shaved head Buddhist monks or card carrying atheists for that matter, ultimately it should be their choice when they are ready to make it. All I'm trying to do is to give them the options, the tools, be the best example of a man that I can be - so they turn out to be happy, decent men that can make their way in the world on their own. Fingers crossed, if me and My Lovely Bride can do that - well, we've done something good.

To get there, I've realized that I have to face an old fear. I won't win $50,000 like they do on Fear Factor if I can stare it down - I'll win much more. Wish me luck.

Until I BLOG again...Happy Happy (as in Birthday) Chew.