Money Changes Everything

"I don't want to be a vampire."

"What?!?"

"Is this my blood?" Ethan asked holding up a napkin that was pink from a combination of his blood and spit.

"Yeah." I said. "That's your blood."

"I don't want to be a vampire." he repeated.

"You can't be a vampire by drinking your own blood." In hindsight this wasn't the smartest thing to say since it implies you can be a vampire.

"Look." Ethan said pushing his loose tooth north toward his uvula. "Feel it."

"Dude!" I said shuddering. "I can't do it, that freaks me out, bad. Leave it alone."

"I can't. It bugs me. It feels funny."

He couldn't either. Leave it alone. Because it did feel funny. Which is why, after 25 minutes of pushing the tooth north and then pulling it back south the Boy extracted his second baby tooth damn near a year to the day after his brother helped him lose his first.

"Here," he said handing me the tooth. "Mom will be surprised."

He was right of course, My Lovely Bride would be surprised, but not until the following morning because it was the third Wednesday of the month which meant B(Dr)unco.

"Let me put it into a ziplock bag so we don't lose it." I said walking into the kitchen with his small tooth in the palm of my hand.

After I sequestered the tooth I walked back into the den where the Boy(s) were watching Scooby Doo. "Here you go," I said.

"Thanks Dad," he said looking at his small tooth in the ziplock bag.

"Let me see!" Wy shouted.

"Be careful Wyatt," Ethan instructed as he handed him the bag, "Don't lose it ---- the tooth fairy will come tonight."

The Tooth Fairy.
Fuck me.

You see Dear Reader, as usual, I didn't have any money. Or at least enough to meet the Tooth Fairy pay scale precedent that we had set with the Elder Boy's first tooth. I had one one dollar bill.

This wouldn't have been a big deal had My Love Bride been at home, but since it was B(Dr)unco I knew she wouldn't be home until late and more than likely she'd be drunk (it's called B(Dr)unco for a reason.)

I did have a bunch of loose change, but putting that under his pillow was a bad idea because he thrashed about in his sleep. I could only imagine how much fun it would be to have the entire house woken at 3am as 100 pennies crashed onto his bedroom (hardwood) floor.

I stressed about the damn Tooth Fairy for the next thirty minutes. An entire episode of Scooby Doo. I ran different scenarios in my head. Tried to deduce if the Boy would catch on if he only netted a single dollar bill from the Tooth Fairy.

In the end I decided to slip the single dollar under his pillow after he fell asleep and hope that I would be awake when My Lovely Bride rolled in to see if she had any cash. If that failed I figured I'd be up before the Boy and could grab some cash from My Lovely Bride and slide under his pillow before him or the dog awoke.

I made it until 11:00pm or so that night, but eventually my tiredness beat my monkey brain into submission and I fell asleep. Hard. So hard, I never heard my Lovely Bride roll in from B(Dr)unco.

The next thing I heard was this, "Daddy! Daddy!"

"Can I get out!" Wy shouted from his bedroom.

"Daddy! Daddy!" Ethan shouted again.

"Can I get out!!!" Wyatt shouted again.

Fuck me.

Thirty minutes later, while drinking my second cup of coffee, I realized what I had not the night before. I should have left My Lovely Bride a note explaining the Tooth Fairy situation. That would have solved everything. I'm such an idiot in real time.

"Daddy," Ethan said giving me a strange, I'm reading your mind kind of a look.

"Yeah."

"Is the Tooth Fairy real?"

"Why do you ask that?" I answered.

"Because, well," he stuttered looking at the single dollar bill in his hand, "I was just curious if it was really you."

Nice. The Boy knows me well enough to realize that if he only got one dollar it was because I was the one who had given it to him. My cheapness is legendary.

"Is it you?" he asked again expectantly.

I'm a strange man. And one of my more curious traits is this: I cannot lie to the Boy(s). It doesn't matter if they ask me if their granny is going to die of cancer or if there is a tooth fairy ---- there is something in my make-up that will not allow me to look them in the eye and lie. Even to protect them.

I think this has a lot to do with my elephantine memory and the fact that I can remember when I was a kid and someone told me a lie. Even if it was to protect my innocence, I still look back and feel a slight sense of betrayal. It's a black and white thing for me and one of my worst (in my opinion) personality traits. Still, I can't or won't lie to the Boy(s) for this reason so I said, "You believe in the tooth fairy, don't you?"

Nothing but his penetrating stare. My eyes looking back at me. Waiting for a real answer.

"Don't you?" I asked again.

Nothing.

"Son," I said looking at him trying very hard to not suck in real time. "You believe in Santa Clause."

"Yeah." he answered.

"Well, the tooth fairy is like Santa Clause."

"Really?"

"Yeah. The Tooth Fairy and Santa Clause are alike." I added waiting for him to put it together in his own head and come to the right truth for him.

"Oh." he said smiling. "I get it. It's like magic."

I smiled saying nothing as he looked at his single dollar bill.

"But only a dollar?" he said.

"Well Boy," I said, "You know times are tough right now, like we've seen on the new."

"Yeah."

"I guess the recession has even effected the Tooth Fairy."

Until I BLOG again...We think we know what were doin'.