Stand Up Comedy

If I was better in real time. And life was funny like on TV and smart like it is in books. I would have seen the Elder Boy's drawing for what it was. Foreshadowing.

But I'm a dumbass. Who sucks in real time. So I didn't make much of his alien space ship shooting a death ray into a cartoon version of the church which graced a label which was affixed to the front cover of his lap pad binder.

Instead I left My Lovely Bride and the Elder Boy in the pew and went to the bathroom. Dumb. I should have taken the Boy with me. The alien ship and death ray should have been all I needed to realize he was bored and hungry. That's a daily double of trouble for him (not being able to deal when hungry is a trait he gets from My Lovely Bride.)

To be honest, I was bored and hungry too. I could deal with the hungry part. Boredom. Not so much. That's why I went to the bathroom. I could have held it. But I wanted out of there, fast, because of the singing. It kept going on and on and on, which made that service seem as if it would too. I should note that I truly enjoy our church. For real. I'm not just typing that in case someone from there stops by here, reads this entry and is horrified (at least have the courtesy to tell me I'm going to hell in comments. They are on and ready.) But the music, not so much. It is too traditional for my tastes. I wish they would mix it up and add more contemporary elements.

I digress.

This isn't about my church music preferences. You don't care about that. You care about me going to pee when I could have held it which was my juvenile reaction to getting out of church early because I was bored because of the singing that wouldn't end. Just like the Elder Boy who was also hungry (which equals bitter) and feeling forsaken by me, sitting in the pew with My Lovely Bride with a pencil and a lap pad binder cover that was virginal white, if you didn't count the label with the cartoon facade of the church with the space ship shooting a death ray into it.

It was in that virginal white area that the forsaken, bored and hungry Elder Boy, took his bitterness to a whole new level, lost his shit, and desecrated the lap pad cover below that label with the cartoon facade of the church with the space ship shooting a death ray into it.

To say My Lovely Bride was upset by the Boy's blasphemous (and misspelled) sacrilege would be an understatement. She was livid.

I'm not sure what pissed her off more. The vandalized lap pad (she had once worked at the church and been responsible for the creation and restocking of those pads.) The fact that his impiety was misspelled (My Lovely Bride is an early education major and teacher who is flummoxed by the Elder Boy's short comings with such things.) Or the actual desecration. (Of course it could be D: all of the above.)

Later, sequestered in an empty classroom near the narthex, I watched him try to erase what he wrote on the lap pad cover below that label with the cartoon facade of the church with the space ship shooting a death ray into it.

"Scrub harder," I said. "It's not coming off."

Nothing. Just tears.

"Mom is mad," I said. "Really mad."

Nothing. More tears.

"I'm mad too," I said.

"I'm sorry," he cried.

"I know you are sorry. You were probably sorry as soon as you did it. But that doesn't change what you did."

"Do you want to know why I'm upset?" I asked.

"Because of what I wrote," he cried.

"No."

That revelation stopped the Boy in his tracks.

"Really," I continued in response to the curious, are you messing with me, or is this a trap type of look he was giving me.

"I'm upset because you wrote on the lap bad binder. Not what you wrote. I don't think you meant that anyway, but even if, you are going to decide what you do and don't believe in this life. I can't make those decisions for you. Mom either. And I won't force you. All Mommy and Daddy can do is try and guide you. To make what we think are good choices."

"What you wrote there," I said pointing at the lap pad cover below that label with the cartoon facade of the church with the space ship shooting a death ray into it, "well, that wasn't a good choice. Was it?"

"I'm sorry," he cried.

"I know you're sorry. But that doesn't change what you did."

"You want to know what I'm the most mad about?" I asked.

"Yeah," he sniffled.

"What upsets me is that you got mad and impatient and lost your shit and reacted. It doesn't matter what you wrote, its that you did it in the first place, when you could have thought about what you were doing, stopped, and asked to go to the bathroom, or to be excused, or something. Instead you got mad, and did something you knew would be offensive, and in the process did something that I think is disrespectful, and that isn't something Daddy will condone --- or allow."

"I'm sorry," he said.

"I know you are sorry. And I don't think you meant what you wrote or meant to be disrespectful which is why I'm not punishing you this time."

"If you do something like this again though, I'll not only spank you, I'll also take away your (inserting his current favorite thing, Pokemon Cards.) For good. No getting them back. Do you understand?"

"Yeah," he sniffled.

"Good. This is your only warning. Ever."

"Ok," he said.

"I don't want you being disrespectful. And I don't mean what you wrote. That's your choice. What you believe. I don't want you to be disrespectful with something that people use, like the lap pad. People took the time to make that and restock it, so kids like you have something to do in church. Mommy used to have to restock those things. That's probably why she's so mad, to be honest. Maybe what you wrote has something to do with it too, but I don't really think you meant that. You did it because you were mad and you didn't think. You're a good kid who made a bad choice. Next time make a good choice, or be smart enough to ask to be excused and go to the bathroom..." I stopped short of saying what I was thinking. Like I did.

Earlier in the bathroom by the narthex, after peeing when I could have held it, I washed my hands, repeatedly, while wondering if the singing had finally stopped while unbeknownst to me the Elder Boy was inside the sanctuary losing his shit, and desecrating the lap pad binder.

After what seemed an eternity, I dried my hands, and walked out of the bathroom and into the narthex to find a very angry version of My Lovely Bride standing next to a very upset version of the Elder Boy. When she saw me, My Lovely Bride held out the offending lap pad with the alien space ship shooting a death ray into a cartoon version of the church which graced a label which was affixed to the front cover.

I was transfixed.

And not because of the Boy's blasphemous (and misspelled) sacrilege.

I was transfixed because I could hear that they were still singing in the sanctuary.

Seriously.

Fuck me, I'm afraid to say I thought.

I guess the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

Until I BLOG again...Stop helping God across the road like a little old lady.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_iZN06qqBE4

Postscript 1: I recently found out that My Lovely Bride never even noticed the Elder Boy's drawing of the alien space ship shooting a death ray into a cartoon version of the church which graced the label which was affixed to the front cover of his lap pad binder. This is ironic on two levels. The first being that Mies van der Rohe once opined that God is in the details. And second, because My Lovely Bride deplored those lap pads when she worked in a job that required she monitor and help with their upkeep.

Postscript 2: I guess it's better that she missed van der Rohe vision of God in the details of the Elder Boy's drawing of the alien space ship shooting a death ray into a cartoon version of the church which graced a label which was affixed to the front cover of his lap pad binder and only noticed the Boy's misspelled version instead. Otherwise she would have been über-livid (if that's even a word.)